I QUIT AND I GAVE UP FOR A WHILE

 

I made a tough decision five months ago. I decided to quit my job. After three and a half years of working in a bank, I realized that it was time to move on. I wanted to become a digital marketer, get my masters, and help people develop themselves. It was my first job, and I learnt a lot of things the hard way (I wish that I could sugarcoat it)

Imagine quitting your job to move to a new industry and also go back to school in a pandemic. It was and still is very scary. The whole process took about three months, and by August, I was free to pursue my dreams, or so I thought.

The first few days were alright. I was a bit productive, and I had people checking up on me all the time. By day 3, I had this to say:

Even though I planned to start this thing three days ago, my procrastination got the better of me. I am slowly beginning to feel the fear, more like what happens after you rip the band-aid off a wound.

My heart tells me that I did the right thing, but my mind, oh my mind, it just wouldn’t shut up. Everyone seems to be happy for me.

I am admitting it: I am terrified, and I am very sacred. 

I am so scared that I can’t pray pray. I spoke to God today and asked for a miracle.

I don’t know why I keep thinking that people are going to understand me. I don’t even understand myself. It doesn’t make any sense. At all.

My laptop won’t connect to the internet; I am beginning to doubt my abilities, and well everything is actually going on as they do.

Did I mention that I was scared? People are getting into my head.

But I am going to step forward in faith and leave the rest to God literally because there is nothing really that I can do at this point on my own.

I began to panic. I began to realize that I had taken the jump and my parachute was yet to open. I didn’t continue writing about my days afterward because I slowly became uninterested in everything. Well, everything except TikTok (even watching youtube or Netflix took a lot of energy from me.) I would watch hours and hours and hours and sometimes forget to eat while ignoring the many tasks and plans that I had.

I didn’t know that I needed help and when I finally realized, I didn’t know how to ask for it because I had assured everyone that I was fine. Someone told me that I was being proud, and I guess I just wanted to prove that I hadn’t made the wrong decision and that I was going to succeed.

Looking back, I would probably say that I was suffering from burnout, and I wasn’t ready to allow my body to recover. So, then started the cycle of wasting time and feeling guilty afterward and wasting more time and so on. With time, I just switched off the voice that kept telling me to get up and be productive, and I just quit and gave up.

It initially started as me telling myself that I was resting, but I know that after a while, I gave up. I began to make excuses, and I began to focus on the wrong things. I watched more videos, wrote nothing, created nothing, took zero courses, and spoke to no one. 

Sometimes the pressure of other people’s expectations would get to me, but I always found a way of shutting it out with more social media. I got a heartbreak (don’t worry, I am fine) and I learnt a lot of things about myself. I started to pray and read the Bible more. A few times, I opened up to a few friends, which was pretty hard for me.

Why am I writing this? I have no idea, but I hope that someone somewhere somehow finds some motivation in this. That they know that it’s ok to rest for a while. It’s ok to ask for help. Things may go wrong, but as long as you know that you are on a path that you want to take, you will figure it out. You are stronger than you think, and your mind can sometimes lie to you, so maybe ask for help once in a while. It doesn’t mean that you have failed. It just means that you need extra energy to push yourself.

I am glad that I got the courage to start this journey. I have wanted this for a very long time. There has been a lot of tears and restrategizing. I have lost some opportunities because I wasn’t ready mentally (I didn’t know), and I have learnt a lot of lessons (In case you want to hear them, I might share that in my next post and share some tips too)

Change is the only constant thing, so be prepared to adapt your plans to suit the changes that may occur. You don’t need to ask anyone for permission to change your mind. Yes, some people might talk or complain, but it’s your journey; you are going to bear the consequences and reap the benefits. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t ask for advice. That will be like shooting yourself in the foot.

In conclusion, I quit and gave up for a while, literally, but I am slowly picking up the pieces and taking it one step at a time. 

Wish me luck.